B-more Lovin'

Open relationships: the people making it work

Mon, 09 Apr 2012 16:27:00 -0400

Open relationships: the people making it work:

Great article from The Guardian about polyamory (polyamoury? hehe) in the UK.

Some updates...

Sun, 08 Apr 2012 21:26:00 -0400

¡Hola amigos!

Apologies for the radio silence on our end. As usual, we got caught up in that rough and tumble thing called life for a bit. We guess this means a few updates:

Celia has been on a number of dates through OkCupid but other than coffee, dancing, and an awkward trip to a sex shop, nothing has really come of them.
Xun, to date, hasn’t been on any “dates” outside the relationship but that hasn’t stopped him from meeting some cute girls on a recent business trip out west. His OkCupid profile has been revamped but remains largely visited by men, much to our dismay.
The big news: While Xun was out of town, Celia went home with someone! And there was intimacy! So we guess that makes us officially non-monogamous. Or something. It did cause a little bit of a rough patch but we talked it out and things seem to be back to normal. Keep an eye out for upcoming posts from each of us giving our perspective on it.
The other news is that Xun gave his consent (after originally withholding it) for Celia to pursue Asher. We’ll see where it goes since Asher and Xun are old friends.
In life outside the relationship, graduation is ever looming for Celia. She is still on the job hunt and if she stays in Baltimore, will (hopefully) be living with Xun.

~ X + C

polycule: The Facebook login page could just as easily be an ad...

Mon, 20 Feb 2012 15:47:09 -0500

polycule:

The Facebook login page could just as easily be an ad for polyamory AMIRITE!?

"I hope I can give you as much support as you need and you can do the same for me."

Sat, 18 Feb 2012 17:29:20 -0500

“I hope I can give you as much support as you need and you can do the same for me.”

- From the awesome (and amazing!) Celia

An OkCupid Encounter

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 02:34:00 -0500

Xun and I both maintain active OkCupid accounts. I personally don’t take it very seriously and am not interested in meeting people in person unless we’ve had a decent amount of online correspondence beforehand. A few weeks or so ago, a fellow named Jamal started messaging me. As per usual, I didn’t take it very seriously at first. He seemed a little too forward for someone I’d be interested in meeting in person.

However, after awhile I realized he was pretty intriguing and we had a lot of common interests. I asked if I could add him on Facebook (a good way to stalk someone out further to see if you want to meet them in person), but he said he “only added people after getting to know them.” Red flag alert! Nine times out of ten, this means someone has something to hide. He eventually came clean that even though he’s listed as “single” on OkCupid, he actually has a girlfriend in his home country.

I eventually decided it’d be worthwhile to meet him in person so long as things stayed platonic. We went to a café last week and had a really good conversation. He was quite charming and fun to talk to. I talked to him a lot about Xun, and he seemed really interested in our open relationship. We’re going dancing tomorrow night.

I decided (and told Xun) that I’m drawing the line where any physical affection would come into play. No kissing, no cuddling. I’m being very skeptical of him a.) because he falsely advertised himself as being single and b.) because he told me that his girlfriend was a jealous person and apparently keeps a lot of things secret from her.

One of the number one bits of advice I picked up in reading about polyamory is to be wary of dishonest people. I plan on following said advice and keeping Jamal in the friend zone for now.

-Celia

Dan Savage answers the question, “Does society need to...

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 10:38:08 -0500

Dan Savage answers the question, “Does society need to rethink its views on love and commitment?”

He makes some good points, but I think it’s a bit extreme to flat out say “monogamy is ridiculous.” It seems to work for some people. Just not everyone.

~Celia

OkCupid For the Polyamorous

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 10:27:04 -0500

OkCupid For the Polyamorous:

polyhips:

Excellent blog article about dating poly on OkCupid

This really is a great article about OkCupid for poly folks. Xun and I both have accounts and I might be mildly addicted. :-P We’re an 87% match!

~Celia

Why nonmonogamy?

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 21:49:00 -0500

Xun here. As I stated in my introductory post, I was introduced to the idea of nonmonogamy by Celia. Before that, I was by all accounts monogamous. My last two relationships had been monogamous and I was fully expecting the rest of my relationships to be as well. Even now, I would say that I am more on the side of monogamy than nonmonogamy (I hope that will change over time).

So why am I even doing this? Why leave the comfort of my emotional home to venture out into the world of alternative relationship styles? Join me after the break to find out!

It’s taken me some time to craft an answer that I can actually remember and that has a lot of thought put into it. The short version is: “Why not?” This was essentially my answer when Celia first asked me to be in an open relationship with her. Granted, that was my whole answer at the time, nothing more, nothing less. Now I have a much longer one. It goes something like this:

I generally consider myself to be an adventurous and logical person. They may not always go together, but that’s how I describe myself. I like to ride very tall and very steep trails at ski resorts. I’ve eaten many…exotic foods (I’ll spare you the details). I’ve traveled 17 hours by bus to a town that rarely gets foreign visitors in a part of the country where they speak a different language. I am a huge math geek and have a terrible tendency to look at things way too logically. You get the picture. This brings us to relationships. If I’m willing to go out of my way and out of my comfort zone for new experiences in travel, cuisine, heck, even my line of work is something I never imagined doing, then why not have the same attitude with relationships? Because they deal with “heavy” emotions like love, jealousy, pain, pleasure? Because we’re somehow attached to the idea of what is a “right” and “wrong” kind of relationship?

I figure if I am willing to do all these crazy things in my life, why not add another item to that list? The way I see it, I get to explore different kinds of love, learn how to be a better communicator, learn to deal with my jealousies and fears, and let’s face it, what guy doesn’t have some crazy fantasy about having multiple women in his life all at once? Plus, and not to blame her in any way, Celia didn’t give me much of a choice. It was open relationship or bust. Considering that I really liked her and wanted to be her boyfriend, it was a risk I was willing to take. All in all, not a bad deal, right?

“But what about the downsides?” I hear you ask. Don’t worry, dear Reader, I’ve thought about those too. I’m a jealous person (another topic for a future post). I can be overly possessive of those I’m dating. I’ve been known to annoy my partner just to get a rise out of them. Hell, I’ve been straight up mean with my partner. With all these negative personality traits, why start a situation where they can be amplified by the presence of multiple partners and complications? To a logical person like myself, that’s a recipe for disaster. Add in the other partners Celia may take on, the nights I might spend alone while she goes on dates or even (*gasp!*) has sex with other people, any arguments that may follow, and you really have a burning building with no fire escape.

The answer is two paragraphs above you. My interest in trying something new, like the helix piercing I just got, outweighs the negatives (the searing pain of said piercing). I’ve already reaped the benefits in some ways. Just in our conversations about nonmonogamy and what we want our relationship to be, Celia has stopped to point out how much she loves me for having this attitude. The sex on some of those nights? Well, she may disagree, but I think it was a pretty awesome display of our heightened affections. In the long term, Celia gets to stick to a promise she made to herself and I get to help her carry it out. Bonus points for me. Don’t be misled, I’m not doing this just for the thrills or a new experience. I love Celia deeply and am trying to bear witness to that love.

There you have it. What doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger. I firmly believe that no matter what happens between Celia and me, if things do or do not work out, that I will be the better for it. If I never have a nonmonogamous relationship again? At least I can say I tried and for me, that’s really all that matters.

- Xun

thevijion: Exactly the truth Xun shared a story with me last...

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 18:51:00 -0500

thevijion:

Exactly the truth

Xun shared a story with me last night about being “friend zoned” hard by a girl he really liked when he lived in China. In the past, hearing about exes and past love interests was always a jealousy trigger for me. However, I was pleasantly surprised last night to find myself sympathizing with him when he told me the story rather than taking a secret satisfaction in it.

I’ve slowly been “unlearning” jealousy over the past year. It’s not easy, and for some reason former girlfriends or lovers tend to be more of a trigger than folks in the present. It seems illogical because, like Xun always says, “the past is the past.”

Perhaps it’s because I have no influence over what’s happened in the past. In the present I can stay up to date on what’s going on in his love life, thus making me feel safer. We can set up boundaries like, “Okay, you can go out with her on Friday night, but I want us to spend Saturday night together.” Or even better, I can actually meet Xun’s other partners, which would make me feel a lot more secure.

-Celia

"Even sticking to the higher plane of love, is it so very obvious that you can’t love more than one..."

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 16:09:00 -0500

“Even sticking to the higher plane of love, is it so very obvious that you can’t love more than one person? We seem to manage it with parental love (parents are reproached if they don’t at least pretend to love all their children equally), love of books, of food, of wine (love of Chateau Margaux does not preclude love of a fine Hock, and we don’t feel unfaithful to the red when we dally with the white), love of composers, poets, holiday beaches, friends … why is erotic love the one exception that everybody instantly acknowledges without even thinking about it? Why can a woman not love two men at the same time, in their different ways? And why should the two – or their wives — begrudge her this?”

- Richard Dawkins (via thehumorlessfeminist)

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she..."

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 15:28:17 -0500

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”

- Bob Marley

Hello, my name is (not really) Celia.

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 14:32:00 -0500

Nice to meet you, reader! I am the female half of B-more Lovin’.

I’m a college senior graduating in May. Nothing is set in stone yet for what I’m doing with my biology degree after that (scary). I’m originally from the South but moved to the Baltimore area for college. I love social dancing, which is an interest I share with my boyfriend Xun (hence, our avatar). I also spend much of my time volunteering with the Latino community in the area. I used to teach classes in English as a foreign language, but now I’m going to be helping with computer literacy classes for immigrants.

It was toward the end of a 19-month relationship with a guy named Joshua* that I first became interested in polyamory. This was in October of 2010 when another guy Asher* (incidentally, a close friend of Xun’s) began pursuing me enthusiastically. I felt strong feelings toward both of them and was really torn. It was then I came to the full realization that I was not only capable of, but unable to avoid having sexual or romantic attraction to multiple people at once.

Soon after, I broke up with Joshua and began having a lot of friendly sex with Asher. He sort of introduced me to the notion that sex doesn’t have to be reserved for couples in monogamous boyfriend/girlfriend situations, and I loved that idea. I eventually made a firm decision that the next relationship I entered into would be non-monogamous. The following year consisted of mostly just short flings, short-term dating, and casual sex for me until this past October.

Enter Xun. Asher brought him to a party my roommates and I were hosting. I had actually met him briefly when he was with Asher on my college campus, but he doesn’t remember (tsk, tsk :-P). We slowly began to hang out more and more. He would come to my apartment late at night and we would dance together. I wasn’t sure if he liked me at that point, but apparently boys don’t just come visit until two in the morning unless they’re interested (honestly, who knew?).

Anyhow, Xun has come to be very dear to me. I love him and he is one of my best friends. My biggest fear about being in a committed non-monogamous relationship is hurting him. My goal is to try my best to make him feel safe with my outside relationships. I hope he understands that my affections toward others in no way compromise my love for him.

*Obviously, all names have been changed.

-Celia

"Anyway, make one if you’d like. At least with big things like interviews and conferences. That..."

Sun, 29 Jan 2012 20:18:00 -0500

“

Anyway, make one if you’d like. At least with big things like interviews and conferences. That way it’s easier for me to be like, ‘Welp, Celia is out being brainwashed by libertarians. Guess it’s time to queue up the porn for Porn Night…’

And no, you don’t get to participate in Porn Night. It’s what you get to miss when I don’t see you for a whole weekend. Host your own Porn Night.

”

- Xun, on the topic of Google Calendars

Xun's Introduction

Sun, 29 Jan 2012 19:49:00 -0500

I wanted to take a moment to introduce myself. My name is Xun (迅). I chose this pseudonym after one of my fav Chinese authors, Lu Xun (鲁迅). He’s best known for his short stories and novellas, especially “The True Story of Ah Q.”

ANYWAY

I’m a 20something web developer working about an hour away from my home in the Baltimore area. I moved back to the area after college, originally hoping to get a job far far away but life had other plans for me. I still live with my parents (ugh) but am close to Celia (yay). That’s about as much as anyone needs to know of my life right now.

As for polyamory, I was introduced to it through Celia. I’ll leave her backstory to her introductory post. About 2-3 weeks after we started dating, she asked me how I felt about open relationships. I knew she was interested in having one but I hadn’t given it serious thought until then. After a pause, I said sure, thinking that I’d agree now and worry about the details later. After reading some material on the subject, I came to learn later that this was the wrong way to make my decision. Oh well. It wasn’t until Celia and I really talked about nonmonogamy and came up with a flexible agreement (saving that story for a later post) that I really became comfortable with the idea.

That brings us to now. Celia is starting her last semester at college and I continue with my job. We’ll see how polyamory works for us. My hope is that this blog can give us an opportunity to share our thoughts and hey, maybe it will be a good way for Celia and I to bond.

~ X

GREAT piece on open marriage...

Sun, 29 Jan 2012 16:52:00 -0500

GREAT piece on open marriage...:

Definitely worth reading.

~ C + X

Who are we?

Sun, 29 Jan 2012 16:22:00 -0500

We’d like to take a moment to introduce you, dear reader, to your hosts and to this Tumblog. Our names are Celia and Xun. For anonymity’s sake, these are pseudonyms.

We are two 20-something folks living in the Baltimore area who have recently embarked on the journey of polyamory. We met about four months ago and became a couple three months ago. One of us is a college student (graduating in May!) and the other is a web developer.

Our goal is to document and give you a peek into our adventure, our challenges, our successes, and any other part of our relationship.

In the next few posts, each of the writers will take a moment to introduce themselves, their romantic background (if they want), etc. We’ll also take a look at how our open relationship came to be and how we worked out the details.

As a purely logistical note: group posts may come from either of our Tumblr accounts so we’ll try to make authorship clear.

Stay tuned!
C + X