Apologies for the radio silence on our end. As usual, we got caught up in that rough and tumble thing called life for a bit. We guess this means a few updates:
~ X + C
Xun and I both maintain active OkCupid accounts. I personally don’t take it very seriously and am not interested in meeting people in person unless we’ve had a decent amount of online correspondence beforehand. A few weeks or so ago, a fellow named Jamal started messaging me. As per usual, I didn’t take it very seriously at first. He seemed a little too forward for someone I’d be interested in meeting in person.
However, after awhile I realized he was pretty intriguing and we had a lot of common interests. I asked if I could add him on Facebook (a good way to stalk someone out further to see if you want to meet them in person), but he said he “only added people after getting to know them.” Red flag alert! Nine times out of ten, this means someone has something to hide. He eventually came clean that even though he’s listed as “single” on OkCupid, he actually has a girlfriend in his home country.
I eventually decided it’d be worthwhile to meet him in person so long as things stayed platonic. We went to a café last week and had a really good conversation. He was quite charming and fun to talk to. I talked to him a lot about Xun, and he seemed really interested in our open relationship. We’re going dancing tomorrow night.
I decided (and told Xun) that I’m drawing the line where any physical affection would come into play. No kissing, no cuddling. I’m being very skeptical of him a.) because he falsely advertised himself as being single and b.) because he told me that his girlfriend was a jealous person and apparently keeps a lot of things secret from her.
One of the number one bits of advice I picked up in reading about polyamory is to be wary of dishonest people. I plan on following said advice and keeping Jamal in the friend zone for now.
Dan Savage answers the question, “Does society need to rethink its views on love and commitment?”
He makes some good points, but I think it’s a bit extreme to flat out say “monogamy is ridiculous.” It seems to work for some people. Just not everyone.
Xun here. As I stated in my introductory post, I was introduced to the idea of nonmonogamy by Celia. Before that, I was by all accounts monogamous. My last two relationships had been monogamous and I was fully expecting the rest of my relationships to be as well. Even now, I would say that I am more on the side of monogamy than nonmonogamy (I hope that will change over time).
So why am I even doing this? Why leave the comfort of my emotional home to venture out into the world of alternative relationship styles? Join me after the break to find out!
Exactly the truth
Xun shared a story with me last night about being “friend zoned” hard by a girl he really liked when he lived in China. In the past, hearing about exes and past love interests was always a jealousy trigger for me. However, I was pleasantly surprised last night to find myself sympathizing with him when he told me the story rather than taking a secret satisfaction in it.
I’ve slowly been “unlearning” jealousy over the past year. It’s not easy, and for some reason former girlfriends or lovers tend to be more of a trigger than folks in the present. It seems illogical because, like Xun always says, “the past is the past.”
Perhaps it’s because I have no influence over what’s happened in the past. In the present I can stay up to date on what’s going on in his love life, thus making me feel safer. We can set up boundaries like, “Okay, you can go out with her on Friday night, but I want us to spend Saturday night together.” Or even better, I can actually meet Xun’s other partners, which would make me feel a lot more secure.